Sooooo… picture this: it’s 3pm, I just remembered people are coming over at 6, my house is a DISASTER, and I have NOTHING to serve!!! 😱 We’ve ALL been there, right?!

This is literally the story of how I discovered my now-famous blueberry goat cheese thingy that everyone thinks I’m some kind of culinary genius for making. SPOILER ALERT: It takes like 5 mins and zero actual cooking skills lol.

The Day I Faked Being A Grown-Up

K so my mother-in-law texted (not called, TEXTED, the audacity!) that she and my father-in-law were “in the neighborhood” and wanted to “stop by” in AN HOUR. 🙄 I was in my rattiest sweats, hadn’t showered, and my kitchen looked like a crime scene from my midnight cereal binge.

I literally panic-googled “impressive appetizers for people who can’t cook” and then raided my fridge. Found some old goat cheese that miraculously wasn’t moldy yet and some blueberries I bought with the intention of being “healthy” that week. Threw them together and BOOM! Mother-in-law actually complimented my “entertaining skills” which has NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

Stuff You Need

Grab whatever you can find that resembles these things:

• Goat cheese (the soft kind in a log, not the weird crumbly kind that tastes like a barnyard)
• Fresh blueberries (or frozen ones that you’ve thawed and patted dry – I’VE DONE IT, NO SHAME)
• That fancy balsamic glaze stuff (it’s in a squeeze bottle usually – NOT the same as regular balsamic vinegar which I found out the hard way when I ruined my first attempt and had to send my boyfriend to the store while I had a mini breakdown)
• Any green herb that isn’t totally dead yet (optional but makes it look like you planned ahead)
• Crackers (whatever’s in your pantry, I won’t tell)
• A plate that doesn’t have chips in it (harder to find in my house than you’d think)

How To Throw It Together When You’re Panicking

1. First, BREATHE. This is literally impossible to mess up. Unless you drop it on the floor. Don’t do that.
2. Take that goat cheese out of the fridge RIGHT NOW if you’re reading this before making it. Trust me, trying to spread cold goat cheese is like trying to spread a rock. Been there, broken crackers, cried about it.
3. Plop that cheese down on whatever surface you’re using. I’ve used everything from an actual cheese board (when I’m pretending to have my life together) to a paper plate with a doily (desperate times).
4. Dump those blueberries all over it. There’s no wrong way! Go wild! Live your truth!
5. Drizzle that balsamic glaze like you’re on some cooking show. Make ridiculous swooshy hand movements while you do it. It’s more fun that way.
6. Sprinkle any green stuff you have on top. One time all I had was basil that was turning black around the edges so I just tore off the good parts. RESOURCEFUL!
7. Stand back and admire your masterpiece while practicing your “oh this old thing? Just threw it together” face.

Real Life Hacks From Someone Who’s Definitely Not a Chef

• This appetizer has gotten me through job interviews (brought it to the potluck portion), first dates (made it together as our “activity”), and that time my super fancy cousin visited and I needed to prove I wasn’t a complete disaster adult.
• If you’re out of blueberries, I’VE USED GRAPES CUT IN HALF. My sister used blackberries once. We’ve even used jam in truly desperate situations. The point is: sweet + goat cheese = people think you know what you’re doing.
• Serving this with wine makes you seem extra sophisticated. I once served it with boxed wine I’d poured into a decanter and NOBODY KNEW THE DIFFERENCE.
• True story: I once dropped the entire thing on the floor 5 minutes before guests arrived, scraped it back onto the plate, rearranged it, and nobody died. I’m not saying you should do this, but I’m just saying we’re all human here.

Why This Works Every Time

Here’s the actual magic of this app: EVERYONE thinks it’s fancy, nobody realizes it takes zero skill, and you can make it even when your kitchen is a disaster and you haven’t been grocery shopping in two weeks.

Plus it’s weirdly adaptable for dietary stuff. Gluten-free friend? Just serve with GF crackers. Keto person? It’s basically already keto! Vegetarian? Already there! The only people you can’t serve it to are vegans and people who hate joy.

Tell me I’m not the only one with emergency appetizer stories!!! What’s your go-to “pretend I’m a functional adult” recipe? Cause I need more in my arsenal for when the in-laws strike again! 😂

The Questions People Text Me At Midnight

“Does this actually taste good or do people just pretend to like it?”
It’s ACTUALLY delicious, I promise! I’ve eaten an entire plate of it alone in my kitchen at midnight while standing up. No regrets.

“My goat cheese looks weird. Is it supposed to look like that?”
If it’s not green or furry, you’re probably fine! Goat cheese naturally looks like something that fell on the floor and got stepped on.

“Can I add other stuff to it?”
YES! I’ve added honey, walnuts, even those fancy Italian hot pepper things. Go wild! The worst that can happen is it’s still just cheese and fruit which is literally never bad.

“How long will this last in my fridge?”
Bold of you to assume there will be leftovers! But technically probably a day or two, though the crackers get sad and soggy so keep those separate.